Success can be fragile if it is constantly disrupted.
Last week, a friend of a friend offered to take me to the gun range. The trip was to be my first time shooting in a few years, an important step in developing both confidence and self-defense skills. As the meeting neared, though, I worried about embarrassing myself. I grew nervous that my rustiness with pistols would make me look foolish in front of an experienced person.
Could my exhaustion (borne of bad choices) and bona fide stomachache be exaggerated to the point of cancellation? I decided that they could, and so I sent the friend a blow-off text message stating that I wasn’t feeling well. The friend replied that he could get together with me another time.
Relief quickly washed over me, but it was a short-lived sensation. I had just inconvenienced another person while cheating my own self out of what would have surely been a good experience.
I had just sabotaged myself.
What is self-sabotage? It is the destructive, often subtle way in which we place roadblocks before our destinies. It can take the form of obvious missteps, such as picking fights with those we love or lying in order to avoid changes. Alternatively, it can be a quiet lack of action: not making an important phone call, avoiding tough situations or people.
Those with depression, anxiety, or low self-value are (almost to a person) master self-saboteurs. The hatred of self can lead to a refusal to try; or it can lead to the destruction of one’s efforts partway in. Constant self-sabotage is not the mark of a stable individual. Plain and simple, its frequency stems from insecurity and mental illness. And I would know, having fought with depression since early adolescence. Saboteurs engage in an addiction that compromises themselves and those around them. While any individual can practice self-destruction, making a habit out of it is almost certainly a symptom of a disease.
Cancelling plans and failures to follow through are bad enough, but they’re not the most sinister manifestations of self-sabotage. The greatest harm is done internally; that is, within the mind and soul. We insult ourselves, insist we’re being “realistic” in our assessments of inadequacy. We are sure that people dislike us, are angry with our behavior, or are even plotting against us somehow. A self-saboteur may find herself obsessively replaying negative past events in her brain, all the while tormenting her soul with the many ways that the bad bits were (of course) her fault.
These mental machinations are the fuel needed to engage in harmful activities like cancellations, lies, and flakiness. They also discourage us on a deep, primal level when other people aren’t even around.
With all the pain that self-sabotage causes, why do people do it again and again? There’s one word to answer this: fear. Fear of change, fear of failure, and fear of success (yes, success!) are prime candidates. Our insecurities breed comfort with the status quo, even if the way things are is subpar in some way. Our terror at change - for better or for worse - is a form of paralysis. Most people worry that their lives will somehow deteriorate, but a self-saboteur fears even those changes that could be wondrous and joyful. Those who have mastered the self-harming art of sabotage derive a sense of comfort from inertia, however problematic it is. We may lose out on jobs, lay waste to our relationships, or cultivate a persistent sense of failure when we cheat ourselves out of living.
Someone who’s ready to stop cheating needs a war strategy. The primary, best, most important way to combat the urge to self-destruct is by deliberately choosing adventure and discomfort. Leaving our “safe zones” on a regular basis builds skills and confidence, regardless of our success in discrete endeavors. Why? It lessens our fears and makes the unknown a bit more understandable (if not enjoyable). We learn more about ourselves and the world around us, and we get ever-closer to becoming the successful human beings we owe it to ourselves to reach for. The more often we dare to leap, the deeper our understanding of life’s richness.
You might ask, “What’s wrong with a little negativity?” The truth is, self-saboteurs are not merely negative. The hatred of self-destruction harms us more than any simple criticism can. Critical appraisals are a tool for self-growth, while sabotage actually impedes growth and can even reverse it. When we think poorly of ourselves or allow negativity to influence our behavior (or lack thereof), we must ask ourselves about motivation: Why am I doing, saying, or thinking this? Is it destructive? Does it foster self-love or self-hatred? After all, the root of this fight is love for ourselves and for our futures.
